First paragraph:
“You know I only want the best for you” he said with a guilty conscience.
There should be a comma after "you", before the end of the quotation marks.
Also, "guilty conscience"? I assume you mean "guiltily", partly because this sounds awkward here and partly because since this a first person narrative, there is no way she would immediately know it had anything to do with a guilty conscience. And in the off-chance that (being his daughter and all) she did know it had something to do with a guilty conscience, there is absolutely no setup.
So, replace "with a guilty conscience" with "guiltily", or some synonym of it. Otherwise, it doesn't work.
I didn’t look at him and I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage, ya know the kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world.
No real segue from "look at him" to "I crossed my arms." It does relate to the same thing — her reaction to him, but they're two separate actions and should be treated accordingly (again, unless there's some kind of segue between "I didn't look at him," and "I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenager." I'd suggest cutting the first sentence off simply at "I didn't look at him," and then tweak the second sentence so it doesn't follow the exact same structure as the preceding sentence (i.e. "I did this. I did that. I blah blah, you get the idea.") Even something small, like throwing "instead" before "I crossed my arms, etc." would work:
I didn’t look at him. Instead, I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage, ya know the kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world.
There's still a couple of things to fix. First of all, I pouted like a teenager, and the comma after it should be a semi-colon or em dash. I agree with The Black Rose — the "ya know," sounds discordant in this sentence, especially since you never use it again. Also, there should be a comma after it ("ya know," that is), so:
I didn’t look at him. Instead, I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage — ya know, the kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world.
(Again, the em dash can be interchanged with a semi-colon, depending on your preference.)
I’m not like that though, I was just furious.
The comma is improperly used, here. If it's imperative that you have this as one sentence, the comma should be an em dash or a semi-colon — otherwise, I'd suggest using a period. Also, there should be a comma after "that", and for more effect, I'd suggest placing this into a sentence of its own.
So you'd have:
I didn’t look at him. Instead, I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage — ya know, the kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world.
I’m not like that though. I was just furious.
Okay. Moving on.
“Jasmine, I know how much you hate moving all the time so I thought this would be the best solution…” he remarked.
"Remark" isn't exactly the best verb choice here, since it suggests an off-hand comment. There are dozens of better words you can use here; find one and use it.
I rolled my eyes, and then suddenly I looked at him and was upset with myself for acting like a selfish brat.
Run-on sentence; split it up. I'd suggest cutting the first sentence off at, "eyes," snipping out "and", and starting the new sentence at "then". You might also think about commas after "then" and "suddenly":
I rolled my eyes. Then, suddenly, I looked at him and was upset with myself for acting like a selfish brat.
They're not completely necessary, but they might help.
It’s only been my father and I since my mother passed away.
It could just be me, but I think "my father and I" is needlessly awkward, especially when it could just be replaced with "us". So:
It’s only been us since my mother passed away.
* * *
The emotion in this story is kinda lacking, and by "kinda" I mean "very". You've got some very intense scenes here — where the father's trying to justify his actions to her (the opening paragraph), when she leaves for her flight, and all of the internal monologues before and after that. Yet there's little to no emotion conveyed in these passages. Spice up the drama. Use more powerful verbs. Vary the sentence structure, use single-line paragraphs. Her father uses a lot of clichés when he's talking to her — instead, convey his emotion through the dialogue.
And, again, you use a lot of really weak phrases which could be improved upon to let the emotion of the story shine through. For example, this sentence:
He raised me well, and how do I repay him? acting like a bitch.
I like the second part of the sentence ("and how do I repay him? acting like a bitch.") — I don't know of the non-capitalization of "acting" was done on purpose, but it really works here. It brings life to the story.
But.
The first part of the sentence is wooden. "He raised me well"? Is there honestly no better way to describe the way he raised her than "well"? Heck, I think it'd be more effective to simply cut out the "well" (maybe italicize the "raised" for emphasis), but as it stands now, this is a very poor description. It lacks power and emotion, let alone vitality.
The other thing that really bothered me about the story was grammar — especially punctuation, and especially punctuating the dialogue. Honestly, it isn't that hard. There are books and more books and essays and tutorials written on punctuation — spend a few minutes on Google (even less, maybe) and you should find some great material on proper dialogue format/punctuation. Heck, there are some amazing tutorials here on YWS, in the Writing Tips section. The very first sentence made me cringe, because the dialogue wasn't punctuated properly. It's shoddy work on the writer's part. I wouldn't be so annoying about it (I think, anyway
) if this wasn't such a fundamental part of story-writing. Grammar is a tool. Know it so you can use it. At the very very basic level, if you don't want to learn grammar (your writing will suffer for it), know how to do the basics. More people will (theoretically) be willing to stomach your writing if they know you can at the very least punctuate your dialogue properly.
Catchy title, though.
Good luck.
hope that works out for you
Points: 2834
Reviews: 131
Donate